| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2008|05:25 am] |
My emotions are in a state at which they can't even define themselves. I cry for reasons that I don't even know. My world around me just spins as I feel that I am watching it from the distance and not one that is living in it. Impossible. How can one not live in the world that they inhabit? Well, it seems so. Slowly with every passing minute I just crumble. I tend to look at the people around me and wished I had several of their attributes. But I know I can't. I know that in the end I will just be me.
Why am I here? Everyone must ask themselves this question at least once and no one ever figures out the answer until one recalls so at the eldest stage of their existence. But that is not what am asking. I am declaring that I have no idea on why I am in college. What am I here to study? What am I hear to do? How can four years determine the rest of my life? I thought I was the sole bearer of that. I have realized how miserable I am.
In the beginning I realized that I was not alone on this journey of life. I had others. I was an other. Us others united and tried to make something out of ourselves. Two accomplished this task. I did not. I just lived life care free. I got a job which ended up being my sole purpose. I spent time there and then the rest consisted of talking on the phone with my love interest. As summer approached, I rarely had anyone to talk to but that love interest and work. I was obsessed with work. Not because I wanted to, of course, but because I needed to.
This year, so far, has been a continuation. I am care free and still continue to fail. I might as well be that - a failure. I still talk numerous hours on the phone with my loved one. But in the end, I am compremising myself. I can't proceed with several behaviors that I have already been embracing into my everyday life. I want to be better. I can be better. But the question is will I? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2007|12:58 am] |
In a way, I feel stressed. I have no idea how but I do. All I have are five classes. Five simple classes and even so it seems like a task to even try. I am doing well in English and Speech. Everything else I question. I know I can do better but why aren't I?
I know that in high school I wasn't studious and I don't want to go back to that pattern but I can't help it. Everything was just so natural for me then. Studying was an accessory to my education and rarely did it. I could easily manage a 97% in american government, but what now? Why isn't the same occuring? I know I easily freak out now when I don't get an A and instead I get a B+ but why?
It might be the fact that I don't want to dissappoint my parents; let alone myself. I feel that everything I do resembles them as if it is some form of representation of them. I feel like I must do well and be the example to my brother because I didn't have one and felt as if I didn't need one.
I just want to do well and do right. I want to make a living and one that I will enjoy. Why do I put so much pressure on myself - and it's only my first semester? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2007|01:47 am] |
| [ | music |
| | The Beatles - All You Need Is Love | ] |
What can I say? Things are never what they seem and you must make the best of what you have. But what do you do when something constantly bothers you and you know it will never go well. Do you cut the strings or continue to handle the abuse that has turned you into a malicious person? I know that I am not malicious but at times I can't help but seem that I might be turning into one or at least to the object that has made me cringe at every thought. It's one that make you suffer and no matter what you try to do to correct that, it doesn't work. I think that I am somewhat mellow. Not to the 70's extent but something quite reasonable. I pretty much threw everything away for awhile and it was the best time until it returned.If only I knew what to do. I'm thinking of ending it once and for all but should I wait a year or just do it. And it I did do it now, hoe would I do it without getting killed? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2007|04:44 pm] |
So I am officially in college and my, how can I say, what a change. I feel as if I have liberty and yes, I might have missed two classes already and do feel quite terrible about it, it won't happen again. At least, I don't want it to. The only exception to my little rule is teh Fall Out Boy concert which I do have to miss math class for. It is totally worth it though.
So today is my Asian's birthday and I am truely excited since now I can go to a club. I promised her that I wouldn't go without her so that our first time would be together.
Ugh, I have so much to say but so little time.
All in all,
most friends = amazing
boys = ugh
boys telling you are pretty/attractive = yay!
classes = okay
me = blah
Oh, and South Florida : I will see you this weekend. NO DOUBT! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|05:41 pm] |
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Am I ready to leave? No. Thed thing is that at the point where I am now, I have to. I absolutely hate baby sitting my brother. Because of him at this moment I want a cigarette to calm my nerves. He is ridiculous. He has become so needy over the past couple of days that this routine is now becoming old very quickly. I have to feed him. Why? Because he has become so lazy that he doesn't want to pick up his own spoon. He wants me to do that for him. He is supposed to start school next week and I highly doubt that he will make it. My parents don't see whta he puts me through. They don't understand why I want to leave all the time. Mostly, it's because I don't want to deal with him. Even when they are home, why is it that I still feel like I am baby sitting him. I'm sorry but he isn't my son. I didn't sign up to be a stay at home mom because at times that is what I feel like. I cook, I clean, and some how I am still supposed to pack. Today I have to take my precious time to go to a fucking meeting at his school and honestly I am not done packing and I have to clean my car and I have to load it and still somehow manage to have time to see some friends. It's not possible! I think teh only reason why I want to leave is so that I don't have to deal with this bullshit anymore. I sit here crying not because I', leaving but because I am so tired of this. This is what my summer has consisted of. I'm not saying I don't love my brother because I do but I am tired. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2007|02:02 am] |
As I look back on previous entries I have noticed the path on which I have taken to get to now. It's not this extraneous path, but a path none the less. In less then a month I leave for college and I am a bit scared. I'm excited for finally being on my own and gaining a bit more independence but at the same time this is a chapter in my life where I can't rely on my parents so much and I feel as if I have to do everything for me. I don't want to call my parents and ask them for money but I know that I will have to. There is no way that I will be able to make a sufficient amount to uphold living expenses on top of my monthly payments of a car, laptop, and cell phone. The only good thing is that with the extra money that I will receive I will use to pay off my laptop but eventually I will want to save that money up again for other purposes.
Financially, everything is a question.
Life is a book. I am ready to start a new chapter but I don't want to completely forget any previous activity such as certain friends and classmates. I will miss them and I know that there will be a point in time where I will see them again but the wait will be the devastation. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|09:23 pm] |
A couple of things have happened in the past couple of months.
1.) I got accepted into UCF
2.) I argue with my mother alot more
3.) I pretty much pay for everything now
4.) My IPOD got stolen
5.) I feel as if I might be losing friends and I seem damn proud of those that I am getting rid of
Prom Expo is tomorrow and I feel like not even going. To prom that is. I just hate the drama that it has caused and I don't want to be a part of it.
I pretty much have to pay for everything for prom and no one really gets that.
Let's average this out
$440 - dress
$50 - alterations
$40 - make up
$35 - limo (estimation)
$40 - hotel (estimation)
$250 - extensions (estimation)
That is a minumun of $855 that I have to pay by MYSELF and that's not including the ticket AND I still have to pay for a car on the side. Yeah, I'm sorry that my mommy and daddy haven't really helped me out when it come to prom so I hope you can consider that you need to give me an advance notice and if there is " no room" for me- then think about the people that actually want to go with you because there are some there that would rather be somewhere else. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|06:51 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | James Blunt- You're Beautiful | ] |
What can I say? Today was a day. One of those days. Those days that you wish you could just erase. I have a lot of days like that. There are actually a selective amount of days that I would like to keep.
Shit happens. Yet, it always happens to me. I know that worse things can happen and that I might sound extremely "emo" but then again it could just be my haircut.
As I sit here reading my instant messages and my "Timeless Thoughts" I feel as I have to share some of the quotes which I have found. I feel as if I must share a bit of the discovery which I have easily landed.
" Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own."
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"You, and you alone, make me feel that I am alive. Other men, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen thee, and thou art enough."
- George Moore
"The madness of love is teh greatest of heaven's blessings."
- Plato
"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
-Barbara Deangelis
"It is best to love wisely, no doubt. But to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all."
- William Makepeace Thackeray
"To fear love is to fear life; and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
- Bertrand Russell
I haven't been in the gayest mood. I feel as if I'm not one of the most joyous people. I don't blame my friends and I don't blame my enemies. I can blame those that are two-faced and those that treat me in a nonrespectable manner, especially after all the indulgences of criticsism that I have been provided with. We all know how I enjoy being bashed by those who I have assumed were my friends.
Liek I said, today was a day. Tomorrow will be another. Hopefully, it isn't one that will end up in tears as the past couple of days have been. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 28th, 2007|03:45 pm] |
Can we be lost but at the same time know where we are? Can I just find happiness in myself as I do in others?
I know that every moment isn't a happy moment and that it won't always be the way it seems or how you would want it to.
Yet, why is life always so fucked up. I agree with Carolyn on her previous entry. I know how she feels. I can't discredit her on anything since everything in its entirity I feel. I know that I would like to add commentary and tell her that it isn't like that. But how can I say something of teh sortwhen then I will just be one of those girls that she mentions. I will be one of those girls that you don't want to listen to.
I hope that he is getting a bad lay.....
::sigh:: |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|10:13 pm] |
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If I didn't even exist tomorrow, would anyone even care? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|09:55 pm] |
So I steped my way into the year 2007 knowing that it would be shitty and you know what...I was right. Actually, it's shittier then what I expected at the moment.
I hate you. Right now, I hate you.
I would have bent over backwords for you. I would have done anything. Anything.
Apparently that means nothing. I don't mean anything to you and you should have told me.
Now as I sit here crying and listening to whatever I can I think of you and I hate that. I hate that I try to ignore you and you just say something and I get sucked back in. For once I want to be free and the shit that you just pulled might do it. So I hope you have a nice life because you have made it quite clear that I am and never will be part of it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|09:23 pm] |
I try and I try, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. I act as if anything does.
The only thing slightly important to me is to get into college and that isn't even a huge priority to me anymore.
I need more then this and I haven't been given the oppertunity. Or maybe I have but it hasn't seemed as so.
Girls are bitches, Guys are dicks, and I sit on the sidelines watching my life get screwed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|12:19 am] |
I hate the fact that I can hate you until you say two words to me.
Then I find myself loving you all over again.
By the way, I can play several chords now on the guitar!!!!!!
I'm so proud of myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2006|02:20 pm] |
So yesterday was amazing.
First off, after school I picked up Lauren and we went to Town Center. We meet some people their and went to Del Vecciho's for some mozerella sticks. Then we left and went to ColdStone to say hi to the crew. Jason, Ana, and Stephanie were there. WE ended up going to Panera. After we left, we visited Kayliegh at Starbucks. Then we had to rush back to Lauren's house to pick up the tickets. We did. We got to Muvico in time and we got to see "Deja Vu". Yes, the premire. We got to see it before all of you.
lol
The best part of the night was when we were walking by my car and I saw all the messages that were left by Carolyn and Beth. They made me feel loved and extremely special. I am happy to have those two in my life.
Lauren, you too.
Thanks for making my night guys!
You are all amazing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2006|01:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fergie - Finally | ] |
Since I was a little girl, I always had a dream. Cinderella themes, as crazy as it seems.
I love you.
You make me smile. You make my day. You make me better. No matter what, I love you and I wish I could tell you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|09:48 pm] |
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Sometimes I feel like the only people that actually care is my cousin and brother, and he is two. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|09:43 pm] |
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With all sincerness, I hate my life at times. I feel as if I say the stupidest things as well as act upon them. Sometimes I wish I was more insightful and knew the other persons perspectives but then again, they might be to hurtful and I might try to commit suicide.....again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|08:59 am] |
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Why do yoy hate me? Seriously, why? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2006|09:50 pm] |
"Live everyday as if it's your last".
We have probably all have heard this quote and has never been impacted in our lives. I literally have that quote written on almost all my notebooks. Th eonly difference is that there is an addition. However, even with this new self discovery made over summer, I can't help to fulfill it as I preach it.
I have to learn to move away from the past. Something quite hard to do. Our past is the definition of who we are and where our future can lead us. I have lived and tried to self distruct who I am. The problem is that it wasn't once or even twice. Maybe three or four times. All of this for the same reason.
I look at myself in the mirrior often and it isn't with please but with disgust. Is it wrong that this is how I have viewed myself often. Self esteem. If only I had some. It's kind of hard to build some when your mother constantly tears you down; especially when it deals with numbers such as weight.
Anything going on nowadays.
What can I say but auditions in AMT. The same gruesome auditions that are always layed in front of me. Every year same thing and always wishing for a different outcome. I know that I'm not the most talented and I don't wish that I was. All I wish for is a chance. Maybe I can redem the status of someone "new" getting a role because some people killed the idea last year.
This is year is one of the most expensive and my pocketbook already has an idea of what it is going to be like. I have already paid for such things as my SAT and yearbook. I better do well on it or I will ave some problems. I already looked at UM's minumum SAT score for the program in which I want to enroll. It's 1010 and I'm above that but I would prefer to get a higher score then my initial one.
My confession.
I'm deeply frightened of this year. I'm scared of not getting accepted to any of my choices. I'm frighteneed of not getting the grades that I want. I'm frightened of what I'm going to do after high school. I'm also frightened of what will become of the relationships that I currently endure in. Will they continue to be what they are now? Will they bloom or even die off?
I'm frightened and I'm scared and maybe all I want is love. Love from my parents and friends. No matter how much you say that you do-I just can't believe it which is probable the worst thing of all! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|07:03 pm] |
School is okay. My schedule is decent.
My life is horrible and I don't know what to do about it. |
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